So I chose to meditate.
I made this decision frantically, but at least something good came out of it —
For the past few weeks, I began limiting the apps on my phone and almost thought I deleted a self guided meditation app, but alas, I kept it there, in the top left corner of my “self care” folder. Wow, I’m so blessed it was there for my use.
Stop, Breathe, and Think (available on web, IOS and Android)* is a great app for having a custom meditation made for you. It seems a bit counter-intuitive to check in for 10 seconds then answer 3 questions before being given a meditation you initially wanted on the spot, but having to “stop, breathe, and think,” I realized I was already given the basic tools to calm myself from my mental break down.
After checking in to how I was feeling for about 10 seconds, the app asks you how you feel physically. I chose “poor” since my body felt weak but not to the point of not being able to walk on my own (yes, that has happened before to me). For how I felt mentally, I chose “rough” because of how my mind felt with the amount of thoughts that were racing in and out. The emotionally category allowed me to choose up to 5 emotions I was feeling. I was calming down at this point but was still crying and breathing slowly, so I went to the second to right toggle option and chose the emotions “hurt,” “sad,” “insecure,” “isolated,” and “overwhelmed.” After answering these 3 questions, it gave me my result.
Out of the options I was given and based off my terrible track record of being able to sit down for long periods of time, I decided to choose “Relax, Ground and Clear.” Although I didn’t complete the entire 7 minutes, I was still in a better place than I was just minutes before, when I was panicked, hurting, and seeking comfort.
Now, is it strange that I couldn’t handle my emotions anymore?
Well, how could I when I have my own personal life dragging me along as if I’m not in control of what happens?
How could I when I am plagued with major uncertainty for the future and am obsessed with answers, clarification and contentment?
How could I when I felt ultimately alone with these thoughts and had to go on with my day at work as if I’m doing just fine?
Maybe I could have made it through the day if one of them stayed (them being my coworkers.) But today was a slow day, and people have their own agendas so they chose to leave. They’re part time and flexible with their hours after all. But maybe I could have made it through if the elderly woman who comes to help us didn’t end the day by telling me that she hopes I have “wonderful rest of [my] day” and that she “loves working with [me].” Or maybe if I had a better handle of my emotions and didn’t let these things get to me, I wouldn’t even be in the position of writing this.
No invalidating my emotions.
No lying to myself and saying I’m okay.
No withholding my feelings and not letting it out.
A mental break down in a public or private setting is awfully painful to experience, but sometimes, it’s the cry you need for you to pay attention to yourself and provide the love and care you hold within your heart.
And despite working until 5pm, I chose to take the time to love myself and meditate. I chose to focus on what my mind and body needed, channeling my thoughts and feelings into positive energy needed to move forward.
Obviously, as I write this post, I’m in a better state of mind and can cohesively string together my thoughts into a somewhat digestible piece of writing. Though I hope people will not judge this post thinking I am “crying for attention,” I also don’t care at this point because giving recognition or attention to the people who bring negativity in my life translates to power for them, and that is another layer of stress I don’t want to (nor need to) deal with.
But this is a reality people are too afraid to talk about.
Showing their weakness, their fears, their insecurities – is not easy. But keeping it together, staying strong and not showing how you truly feel, opening up and exposing your raw emotions, and letting it all out, is just as difficult, if not more painful. I mean, look at what happened when I kept it in all day at work.
I know not everyone can just break free from the workspace and meditate in their office. Not everyone has the luxury I have to be in this quiet office or to stop my project to focus on myself. But I hope amidst your struggles of discovering what works for you, you will find an answer that can help alleviate your pain in a positive manner.
Meditating is a great tool for practicing mindfulness and calming down in a moment of distress. If you are able to get away from the stressful environment, I highly encourage you to do so. Apps like Stop, Breathe and Think* are available on your respective IOS or Android app stores and the web. If you want something quicker and don’t need a voice guiding you throughout meditation, another good alternative is Oak* (available only on IOS).
I share with you my results from meditating after a mental break down at work. Honestly, these may happen again in the future, but after today, I hope I’m not afraid to tackle this issue head-on.
I know I am stronger than the voices in my head. And I hope you, the reader, realize that too.
*this is not a sponsored post
[Originally published June 19, 2018. This blog post was reposted from my old wix site, also hosted at http://erilm.com]