We all have that friend that says they want to catch up but never follows through. Or… takes months to follow through (years in some cases). Guess who that happens to be in this case?
You guessed it – it’s me.
2018 has been one of the roughest years for me emotionally, and you would think that I’d grow emotionally stronger after all I’ve been through. Well, progress is a process and it isn’t supposed to be fast. If anything, it’s ongoing and you just get better day by day.
I have hit a good all time low multiple times throughout this year, but for some reason, the month of September was really bad for me. All aspects of my life were crumbling in one sense or another, and my therapist had a bunch of new things she learned about me that I never spoke about before. But because of these conversations we had, I learned more about myself as well.
One of my goals for the past month was to reflect on my days throughout #selfcareseptember. I wanted to ensure that I practiced acts of self care and was careful in how I treated my body. What actually happened was quite the opposite, and it was honestly frightening to me. It felt like deja vu to the time when I didn’t take care of myself my freshman year of college. And now that I’m noticing the signs of it possibly happening once more, I’m taking active steps to prevent it. But before I tell you what i’m doing to prevent it, let me give you insight on what’s been troubling me and why September was so rough.
Often times, I’m caught up in my own agenda. I know that I need to prioritize and ensure that my time is used intentionally, but sometimes I forget the balance between prioritizing “work” with prioritizing “myself.” Let me provide you with an example:
My freshman year of college, I chose to neglect my well being to study.
I chose to study over sleeping, eating, and staying hydrated during my hot, Spring semester. One day, I pushed myself so hard that I ended up passing out on the steps in front of Sproul Hall and was rushed to to the emergency room. I felt my body weakening and tried to walk back to my dorm to rest – I tried to do something once it registered in my head how unhealthy I was being. But it was too late. One of my best friends at the time found me on the steps and tried walking me to the dorms, but my legs could barely keep myself up. I’m not sure how the ambulance got to me, I can’t even remember everyone who was present at the time – I just knew how much I was hurting and how it felt like I asked for help too late.
Similar to my freshman experience, this past month, I’ve begun prioritizing my work over my well being. I tried so hard to work on my blog more often but found myself burning out before I could really follow through with anything. I had a handful of things going on, and it never felt like there was enough time to deal with any of my problems. Can you relate?
To my demise, I consistently did or felt the following:
- I kept comparing myself to people who were well established and successful and felt that i would never get there, so there was no point in even trying.
- At my 9-5 job, I found myself feeling unfulfilled with what I was doing outside of that job that I could never be present in any moment I was in.
- I almost tried to quit therapy, thinking that I wouldn’t be able to stay focused during sessions either.
- There were many times I wanted to catch up with people, but I couldn’t because my body couldn’t handle going out and my mind couldn’t handle carrying a decent conversation.
- I wasn’t sleeping easily.
- I felt exhausted all the time.
- And I would go days without eating a full meal.
- I was stressed with where my life was going.
- I was unmotivated to do anything that made me happy.
- And though I did temporary things to make myself happy, which were good coping mechanisms, I never got to the root of my issues.
- Ultimately, I didn’t end up quitting therapy, but I did circle conversations with her post session, because I couldn’t get it through my head that I knew what I needed and that my next step was to go and do it.
But hey, at least one good thing that happened this past month was the fact I drank water frequently (but I know, I know…. that doesn’t compensate for all that I didn’t do).
I learned a lot about myself this past month, whether it came to school, work, my value, my goals and dreams, my finances, my relationship, or my future. #selfcareseptember was supposed to be a time where I set aside moments to check in with myself and tend to my needs. I’m trying to be more present in people’s lives, but I need to ensure that I’m resting and taking care of myself first. October is going to be a busy month for me, in terms of networking, bettering my time management, and taking care of myself, but I think I’m working toward a better state of mind to handle all of the items on my plate.
With this more positive attitude, I’m slowly seeing improvement in how I’m approaching my problems and organizing my thoughts.
- I’m utilizing lists and my journals again to ensure that my thoughts don’t just stay in my head.
- I’m rebalancing my finances and establishing a daily schedule to make sure I get things done in an orderly manner.
- I’m preparing for difficult conversations that I need to have with certain people, because transparency is key for when I’m struggling and need guidance.
- Reaching out to my support systems is also important of me to do, because post grad, it’s easy to be more to yourself considering that work is all you really consume yourself with, and it takes an extra effort to go and see people. (Kind of ironic for me to say this though, with the same thing being relevant to my time in college. The main difference being that I know I’m fully capable of doing it in a more timely manner now).
I’m ready for what the month of October has ahead of me, and making sure I put myself at the forefront so I can best be able to serve others. Thanks for those of you who continue to read my blog and support my content creation. October is going to be a productive month! Keep up with me on social media – I’m most active on my instagram @whiteroseteaa. Subscribe to my newsletter too, as I’ll be working on weekly or bi monthly newsletters to my supporters. Much love to you all.